Bad Taste Talk Show
By Alyce Wilson

(SYCK IS ALONE ON THE STAGE, INTRODUCING THE STAGE)

(WRITTEN ON THE BOARD: "The Syck Show")

SYCK: Hi! I'm Sylvania Syck. Welcome to "The Syck Show." We bring ordinary, everyday Americans into the studio and subject them to the scrutiny of our studio audience. You may wonder why our guests voluntarily admit to such sins as spousal abuse, alcoholism, fetishism, pedophilia, cannibalism, or bad haircuts. I don't know where they dig our guests up: I just exploit them.

Our first guests today are people whose mothers have just died. Please welcome Lessie A. Hamlet and Bronson Cheeks.

(ENTER LESSIE AND BRONSON)

(THEY TAKE SEATS NEXT TO SYCK)

SYCK: So, Lessie. How long ago did your mother die?

LESSIE: A week ago.

SYCK: Oh, that's too bad... Was it your fault?

LESSIE: We had an argument — she didn't want to eat any SPAM. I told her to eat it and stop complaining... and... she choked on it! (LESSIE BREAKS DOWN IN TEARS)

SYCK (STILL CHEERFUL): Well, I guess you're really kicking yourself now! What about you, Bronson? Where were you when your mother died?

BRONSON (DISTRESSED): I was... in the living room... watching Star Search! She called out for me, but there was a really funny comedian on, so I said, "Wait for the commercial!" ... But she didn't! (BRONSON BREAKS DOWN)

SYCK: And we're going to a commercial now. We'll come back with some questions from the audience.

ANNOUNCER: Next week on The Syck Show we tackle a sensitive topic, making fun of people with disabilities, with special guest Jerry Lewis.

SPOKESPERSON: Hi. I'm not an actor, but I play one on TV. When I need good solid advice on which script to take, who to hire as an agent, or who to sleep with to get in a cheesy commercial like this one, I call the psychic hotline.

(sfx: phone ringing)

(SPOKESPERSON PICKS UP THE PHONE)

Hey! I was just going to call you! This really works!

ANNOUNCER: Call 1-900-GET-REAL. Ten dollars the first minute, a limb or major organ each additional minute. This line is for entertainment purposes only. Not responsible for injury, hair loss, or impotence caused by following advice from this hotline.

(MEANWHILE, LESSIE AND BRONSON HAVE PULLED THEMSELVES TOGETHER)

SYCK: And we're back. (WALKS DOWN INTO AUDIENCE WITH MICROPHONE) Our guests today are Lessie Hamlet and Bronson Cheeks, both of whose mothers have recently died. (PUTS ARM AROUND AUDIENCE MEMBER) Your name is?

TWING (ABRUPTLY PULLING AWAY): Don't touch me, man! I hate when talk show hosts touch me!

SYCK: OK. Do you have a question, Mister...

TWING: The name's Lloyd Twing. And I have a question for Bronson... Uh, do you remember any good jokes from that guy on Star Search? Cause I'm going to a party tonight and I could use some.

BRONSON: Well, there weren't any jokes, really. He had a lot of silly masks and things.

SYCK: You let your mother die while you watched a prop comic?

TWING: That's Un-American, man! You're sick!

SYCK: No, I'm Syck, Syck with a "Y." (LAUGHS) (WALKS UP TO ANOTHER AUDIENCE MEMBER) You have a question to ask our guests?

BORING: I'm Lotus Boring, and my question is for Lessie. Did you ever do anything to make your mother happy?

LESSIE (IN TEARS): Noooo! I was going to do the dishes after dinner, but now she'll never know! (BREAKS DOWN AGAIN)

SYCK: We've got an expert joining us now. He runs a funeral parlor and has written a best-selling book, It's All Your Fault. Please welcome Maynard Coffindaffer.

(ENTER COFFINDAFFER. HE SITS NEXT TO THE OTHER TWO WEEPING GUESTS)

SYCK: Mr. Coffindaffer, you run a funeral parlor?

COFFINDAFFER: Oh, yeah. We deal with stiffs.

SYCK: What would you recommend to Lessie Hamlet and Bronson Cheeks?

COFFINDAFFER: Well, there's three things we could do with your mum. We can bury her, burn her, or dump her.

BRONSON: Dump her?

COFFINDAFFER: Dump her by Route 26, to be discovered by a passing motorist.

SYCK: Whoah! That's in bad taste even for THIS show!

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: (JUMPING UP AND RAISING HAND) (IS CALLED ON BY SYCK) I just want to say that I think cross-dressing your pets is disgusting! You should be ashamed of yourself!

SYCK: That was last week's topic.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 1: Well, you didn't call on me last week!

COFFINDAFFER: If we burn her she gets stuffed in the flames, crackle, crackle, crackle, which is a bit of a shock if she's not quite dead...

SYCK: Let's cut to the chase. I hear you advocate eating your dead relatives.

COFFINDAFFER: Er... yeah, not raw. Cooked.

AUDIENCE MEMBER 2: I just want to say that I think you two are terrible, terrible children and I think cannibalism's too good for you... And I think it's disgraceful to plagiarize so many Python lines in a supposedly original skit.

SYCK: Oh, shut up. (PUSHES AUDIENCE MEMBER BACK IN SEAT) Well, the audience is getting riled and the guests are in tears, which means we've come to the end of another episode of The Syck Show. Join us next week when we make fun of people with uncontrollable ticks and other disabilities.

COFFINDAFFER: Wait! Don't I get an original line?

SYCK: You just did. That was it.

COFFINDAFFER: What a let-down.

THE END