All things
considered, I didn't do too badly, considering it was a tough room, full
of comedians. So why did I wake up this morning hearing Blondie's "Rip
Her to Shreds"?
Then again,
if my experience was that bad, why am I already coming up with new material?
Why is it that I wasn't completely humiliated by this experience?
Well, because
I got a few laughs, and with this crowd that's a start. Not to mention,
two of the guys I thought were the funniest talked to me afterwards and
congratulated me for doing a decent job. They said I looked really comfortable
up there, which they seemed to think was a great sign.
So I've
had a few ideas for new material...
I just broke
up with a guy I'd been seeing for two years, and I was a little surprised
by how some of my friends reacted. "What will you do now?" they
asked, all concerned. Oh, I don't know. Ritual suicide? But while my Hari
Kari set is on order, I thought I'd just rent some movies I want
to see. Maybe stop shaving...
I was trying
that out for my sister's roommate and he took me seriously. And he starts
getting into this big conversation about relationships. And finally I'm,
like, "Dude, I'm just trying out my standup on you." And he
gets all offended. And he says, "Well, when you go up there, you
better make sure they know they're jokes." So I made some signs...
<hold
up sign that says "Joke">
Because
that way people know when to laugh, you know. Because it says "joke."
<hold
up sign that says "Uncomfortable Silence">
Because
then they know when to laugh, you see?
<hold
up sign that says "Smoking Break">
I'm a freelancer.
I write for business publications. Nobody wants to write for business
publications. It's not their dream job; they want to be entertainment
reporters or investigative journalists or columnists. And I heard they
have an organization for business writers. Isn't that kind of like, in
New York, having an organization for actors who are currently waiters?
And they
have seminars on things like how to carry hot soup, how to tie a bow tie?
And people join it just to make connections... until they realize everyone
in the organization is a waiter. And the only thing they're likely to
get out of it is a better table.
I had a
Celine Dion song stuck in my head last week. She has this Vegas show now,
and I saw part of it on TV. While she's singing, there's a thousand dancers
behind her in perfect synchronization.
<sing
"I Drove All Night" while doing ballet moves>
So I begged
my sister, "Please sing anything, anything, to get my mind off this
song." And she sings a song from "CATS." So now I have
dancers in cat makeup dancing in my head, and I don't even know the words
<dance
catlike, while mumbling>
The only
way this would have been worse would be if she'd sung "Roll Out the
Barrel" while backed by an entire parade of Mummers.
I knew about
the Mummers before I moved here, but I never had any direct experience
with them. And one morning I was walking to work, sipping my coffee, saw
a bunch of them on the street, panhandling. They needed more sequins.
"Come
on, Guvenor! You got a bauble for us? Something sparkly! Brighten our
day, Guvenor!" They talked like that because I can't do a Philadelphia
accent. I gave them a subway token.
I don't
drink alone anymore, because I'm tired of discovering things in my apartment
the next day. "Why is there a dildo in the freezer?" There's
a melted popsicle in your bed. The phone is covered with pudding, which
is off the hook, and somebody on the other end is screaming at you in
French.
I need to
lay off those wine coolers.
Back in
college, it didn't take much to get us drunk. One of my best friends was
nicknamed "Half a Beer Nelson." She'd take a few sips and giggle.
"I'm drunk! <giggle> I'm drunk! I love you!" By the end
of the beer, she'd be, like, <slurred> "I never
had a pony." <head falls down drunkenly>
Most of
my friends didn't drink much, so we used to go to parties and have a designated
drinker. Everybody else would be drinking soda and talking about "Star
Trek" and someone would bring a bottle of Jaegermeister. We'd monitor
them, like it was an experiment. "Subject has difficulty speaking
Klingon properly." Later on, "Subject has difficulty telling
a Romulan from a Betazoid." And even later, "Subject says Star
Trek sucks. Set phasers to stun." And if they passed out, they'd
wake up wearing Spock ears. "Professor Englebert, it's time to go
home."
Moral:
If at first you don't succeed, don't take the hint.
Copyright
2003 by Alyce Wilson
Musings
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