Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

The tan sweater

By the end of the process, I had yet another bag of clothes that are too big, which I should seriously consider giving away.

But first, there's the usual process of washing them, mending them, if necessary, and making certain I'm really ready to give them up.

Sounds silly, but there are some items of clothing I've had for so long I simply can't part with them easily. For example, I found myself putting in the giveaway pile a thick tan turtleneck sweater which is so old it actually has a "tag" on the back (those who were young in the '80s know what I'm talking about).

Why, even when this sweater is hanging off me, did I find it so difficult to place it in the bag? Is it because I have such fond memories of wearing that sweater? Well, truth be known, there were plenty of unpleasant ones, too.

Is it because, only a year after exclaiming joyfully that I could fit into that sweater again, it's now too big? Perhaps.

Is it because it's a really warm, comfortable sweater and I love wearing it? Likely.

And back when I used to wear it most frequently, the truth is I wore all my clothes a lot looser, so I never even noticed.

Then there are clothes which are newer but still difficult to part with. For example, all the clothes The Gryphon bought me for my birthday last year, even though we'd only been dating a short while at that point.

The black pants and the caramel-colored jeans are both clearly getting baggy. The white fitted blouse, well, it isn't fitted anymore. The black sleeveless, embroidered shirt, I can wear that a little longer, though it's getting loose around the armholes. The only item that still fits are the stretchy jeans, which apparently continue to mold to your body even as you lose weight. But even these are getting a bit loose.

Now, I realize this is the sort of problem that ranks up there with "Too many cute guys are interested in me" or "I'm so rich/famous/powerful; life is sooooo hard!" Still, it's a reality of my experience today, and it's the result of nearly four years of hard work, so I don't feel too guilty talking about it.

It's a problem I'm likely to face for at least another year, by which time I expect to make my goal weight.

In the meantime, I'm faced with not just the prospect of saying good-bye to old clothing favorites but also facing, to some degree, the whole self-image bogeyman. There's probably a better word here, but I'm pressed for time.

I mean, when I try on an old sweater and find out it's too big, how does that skew my perception of who I was — and how I looked — when I originally wore it? Maybe I was wrong, all these years, to look back, longingly, at old photos thinking, "I wish I could look like that again."

The truth is, if I'm honest with myself, the times in my life when I looked best were not necessarily related to weight loss or weight gain. They were almost entirely related to my attitude at the time.

I look back at this photo of myself in the tan sweater, and despite the fact that my hair is — well, awry is the kindest word — and my face is a little fuller than it had been when I graduated from high school a couple years previously, I think I looked good. The reason, I believe, is because I exuded a sort of confidence, giving that snarky, "Yeah, so what?" look to the camera.

So maybe that's why I like so many photos of myself lately, and maybe that's why I've been feeling so good about myself. It's an attitude adjustment, pure and simple. And when the mind is healthy, the body will follow.

That said, I think I might spare the tan sweater just a little longer. I mean, I can always wear it around the house, right?

Copyright 2004 by Alyce Wilson

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