Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

A friend of mine said something funny the other day. He said, "I've killed my superego so I can do whatever I want."

Everybody laughed, but I was thinking, "You know, that's not a bad idea." I have a more developed superego than many, it would seem.

Case in point: I still feel guilty about something I said to a kindergarten teacher.

My mom was late to pick me up, and the teacher asked me what kind of car my mom drove. I didn't know. I could only remember it started with a "V."

"It's a Volkswagen," I told her. "A yellow Volkswagen."

And wouldn't you know it, ten minutes later my mom pulls up in her mustard yellow Volvo station wagon.

"That's it," I chirped, ran down to the car and hopped in before the teacher could say a word.

As we were driving away, I looked at the name of the car, which was on the dashboard. I didn't read a whole lot back then, but I knew it didn't have nearly enough letters to spell out Volkswagen.

"Mom, what kind of car do you drive?" I asked.

"A Volvo," she said.

And I swear, even though I was only 5, I thought, "Oh, no! The teacher might think I've been kidnapped. She'll be worried."

Now the most ridiculous thing about this lingering guilt is that not only did it happen so many years ago, not only was it an innocent mistake which any adult would quickly understand, but then there's the obvious: the fact that I went to school the next day. So even if she had been worried, she would have learned at that point that I was perfectly all right.

I can't explain moments like this; I can only report that this is how my mind works.

My memory is littered with words misspoken, regretted deeds. Central to most of them is the feeling that I've let another person down. The fact that I could disappoint, frighten, worry, sadden or otherwise cause another person pain, it's terrible.

Strangely, I don't waste time regretting the decisions that brought me the most pain in my life. I don't regret those moments because they made me who I am. And if I hadn't gone through what I went through, I wouldn't be the person I am.

What paralyzes me are future prospects: things I can't predict. I could be making decisions now that will affect people's lives and I have no way of knowing if I'd doing the right thing.

I don't think I'm holier-than-thou, lording her purity. It's more like a little girl stuck in a haunted house, and the superego is sending in the ghosts.

So how do I deal with it? How do I muzzle this thing that holds me back? Or is it what makes me who I am, and if I destroyed it, would I therefore destroy myself?

You know, there are times I wonder what it's like to be a person with no conscience at all. I imagine it must be a truly liberating experience. But I don't think that for very long before I think, "But what a depressingly shallow one."

Somebody who had gotten my mind working this way said something helpful. "You see, the thing is," I'd said. "I don't know if I believe anymore. There are no Hollywood endings."

He said, "Oh, but you've got to believe. You've got to have hope and trust and faith."

And naturally, me being who I am, the Lenny Kravitz song, "Believe," started rolling through my head. I'd only bought the album a scant two weeks ago. Looking up the lyrics today, they're so appropriate, I think they're the best way to end this:

Believe
By Lenny Kravitz

I am you and you are me
Why's that such a mystery?
If you want it you got to believe

Who are we?
We're who we are
Riding on this great big star
We've got to stand up if we're gonna be free yeah
If you want it you got it
You just got to believe
Believe in yourself
'Cause it's all just a game
We just want to be loved

The Son of God is in our face
Offering us eternal grace
If you want it you've got to believe
'Cause being free is a state of mind
We'll one day leave this all behind
Just put your faith in God
And one day you'll see it
If you want it you got it
You just got to believe
Believe in yourself
'Cause it's all just a game
We just want to be loved

The future's in our present hands
Let's reach right in
Let's understand
If you want it you've got to believe yeah
If you want it you got it
You just got to believe
Believe in yourself yeah
'cause it's all just a game
We just want to be loved

 

Copyright 2003 by Alyce Wilson

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