Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

Walking my dog, Una, this morning, I was inspired to write an admittedly Pythonesque sketch, a little ditty I call "Squirrel Watch."

Resemblance to real persons or animals is entirely intentional.

GLENDA GUGGENHEIM: Hello and welcome to Squirrel Watch. I am Glenda Guggenheim, and this is my dog, Ruffles.

RUFFLES: Woof!

GLENDA: Tonight on Squirrel Watch, we will be examining the importance of the squirrel in modern society and in suburban life, and the advantages and disadvantages in feeding them little bits of nuts and such.

<RUFFLES looks bored and begins sniffing the set>

GLENDA: Sit, Ruffles.

<RUFFLES looks at GLENDA, sighs and sits>

GLENDA: Our first guest is Peter Acorn, who has written a new book, Squirrels: Why We Love Them. Please welcome Peter Acorn.

<PETER ACORN enters, looking remarkably like a squirrel wearing a tweed blazer>

<RUFFLES jumps to his feet and begins barking wildly, then rushes across the room, but is pulled back by GLENDA, who had him on a leash>

GLENDA: Bad Ruffles! No!

<RUFFLES continues to bark while PETER hops up on his chair, terrified and trembling>

GLENDA: Sit, Ruffles!

<RUFFLES reluctantly sits and begins gnawing on a very large bone>

GLENDA: Sorry about that.

<PETER slowly gets down off his chair and takes a seat, his large puffy tail popping up behind him>

PETER: That's all right. Happens all the time. <glares at RUFFLES>

GLENDA: Peter, tell us what inspired you to write such a groundbreaking book on squirrels?

PETER: Well, I think squirrels are misunderstood, perhaps because they spend so much time hiding from bitey things. You know, dogs and other vicious creatures.

<RUFFLES looks up from his bone and growls>

PETER: And I thought it was time that we gave squirrels the attention they deserve. That's why I propose a radical solution in the book, that in order to make the squirrel more welcome in our communities, that people put down their pets.

<RUFFLES sits up with a loud sound of concern>

GLENDA: Excuse me? What? Insult them, you mean?

PETER: No. Like shoot them. It's really the only way that squirrels will feel more welcome in our neighborhoods.

<RUFFLES begins growling loudly>

GLENDA: I thought that clearly you meant that in a figurative sense. I mean, to ask people to get rid of their beloved pets is beyond the pale.

PETER: Yes, yes, it is radical. But I do feel it is the only solution to the growing dog problem.

<RUFFLES begins pulling on the leash, trying to drag GLENDA across the room to get at PETER>

PETER: Then, of course, the next step will be to get rid of all the dog owners, because anybody who is foolish enough to keep such a vicious creature in their home should be euthanized.

<GLENDA drops the leash>

GLENDA: Ruffles, get him!

<RUFFLES dashes across the room after PETER, who hops up on the table and tries to get away from RUFFLES, who puts his front paws on the table and barks loudly.>

<GLENDA picks up the oversized dog bone and joins in, bopping PETER whenever she gets the chance>

ANNOUNCER: This has been Squirrel Watch, the show for people who love --- um, squirrels. Stay tuned for Beaver Lovers, the show for people who love beavers. And at 6 is The Cat's Meow for people who love cats. Then is Wolverine World, for people who love Hugh Jackman.

Copyright 2004 by Alyce Wilson

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