Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

According to CNN, 19 companies are battling over the opportunity to trademark "Shock and Awe" as a product name.

This term, as you know unless you've been hiding in a secret underground bunker with a cache of chemical weapons, is the term the coalition forces used to describe their bombing campaign in Iraq.

Among those battling for this distinction was Sony, who believed it might be a good name for a computer game. They then decided otherwise, calling it a "regrettable, bad decision."

Other companies still vying for the name include a pesticide company, some fireworks companies and a lingerie company.

In the CNN vox pops interviews, the only idea that got even a slightly positive response was the idea of using the name for lingerie. And that's probably because you could call a lingerie company "Dirty Pustules" and it wouldn't matter as long as the lingerie was revealing enough.

One woman interviewed said she thought the idea of any product called "Shock and Awe" was revolting, a response that would dismay all but the daftest marketing executives.

My question is, how do you come up with such an idea? What was the marketing meeting like?

COMPANY PRESIDENT: We're looking for a new direction for our product, something we think will distinguish us from the herd. As you now, we've received the new pattern. We're going with the Stars and Stripes motif. All we need is a name for this product line. Let's hear your suggestions.

MARKETING EXEC 1: How about "Fantabulous!"

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Is "fantabulous" a word?

MARKETING EXEC 1: Of course; my son uses it all the time.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Still on his medication, is he?

MARKETING EXEC 1: Well, actually a doctor said he doesn't need to...

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Next! Somebody, quick. Let's get the ball rolling.

MARKETING EXEC 2: American First.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: Good, but it needs a little punch.

MARKETING EXEC 2: No, I didn't mean that as a product name. I just wanted to say that. I'm an American first.

COMPANY PRESIDENT: It's okay, Abdul. We know you're not a terrorist. We've been over this. We admitted the whole wiretapping thing was a big mistake and we're going to remove the security cam in your cubicle on Wednesday, so can we please move this along?

I liked that theme, though. I like where he was going with that. Let's keep going.

MARKETING EXEC 3: "God Bless U.S."

COMPANY PRESIDENT: It's getting there. It's got punch. It's got pizzazz. ... But I think it will offend the atheists.

MARKETING EXEC 3: Screw the atheists!

COMPANY PRESIDENT: That definitely would offend the atheists.

MARKETING EXEC 2: "Operation American Freedom."

COMPANY PRESIDENT: I told you, Abdul. You don't have to prove anything to us. We're going to stop the retinal scans, I promise.

But you're onto something. Keep going with it. It's not quite there. I can taste it now.

MARKETING EXEC 1: "Special Operations."

MARKETING EXEC 3: "Surgical Strike."

MARKETING EXEC 1: "Baghdad Bazoobie!"

<everyone stares at ME1 strangely>

MARKETING EXEC 2: "Shock and Awe!!!"

COMPANY PRESIDENT: <gets a broad smile on his face> Yes! "Shock and Awe." I like it; it's simple. It's powerful. Goes with the Stars and Stripes pattern.

<pulls out a large poster of a roll of red-white-and-blue toilet paper>

Shock and Awe Toilet Tissue. That's perfect!

Abdul, good work. When you come to work tomorrow, leave your electronic ankle bracelet at home. I don't think we need it anymore.

Copyright 2003 by Alyce Wilson

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