Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts
By Alyce Wilson
Reading through the journal from my freshman year in college, I was struck by both how similar I am, in fundamental ways, and also by how much I've grown.
While rediscovering the freshman version of myself, I found myself engaging in silent dialogue with the younger me.
Freshman Alyce: So, you're living in Philadelphia? Doesn't that scare you? How do you drive in all that traffic?
Present Alyce: It doesn't scare me in the slightest. In fact, I've also driven in several other cities, such as Minneapolis and Baltimore. It's not that difficult.
Freshman: Wow. I don't even have a car right now.
Present: I know. The Enterprise has passed on. Peace to her memory.
Freshman: I'm not even used to driving anymore. When I get behind a wheel, it scares me until I get used to it again.
Present: You're scared of a lot of things, aren't you, Country Mouse?
Freshman: Give me a break; State College is the biggest town I've lived in. So, what do you do?
Present: I'm a freelance writer/editor.
Freshman: Cool! Do you have any books out?
Present: I'm ... working on that.
Freshman: I always thought I'd have something out by the time I was your age.
Present: Can we talk about something else?
Freshman: So, how's your love life going?
Present: About as well as yours.
Freshman: Oh, great.
Present: Let me tell you something I'm sure you've noticed. Most of the guys you go out with are guys you're not interested in. You go out with them just because they're interested in you.
Freshman: Well, the nice guys I'm interested in are either not interested in me or don't have the nerve to make a move.
Present: That's one theory.
Freshman: You have something better?
Present: Try this on for size. You go out with the guys who pursue you because you need outside assurance that you're special. So even when you don't like them, you give them a chance.
Freshman: Yeah, but then they try to kiss me. Ick.
Present: No offense, but you're such a virgin.
Freshman: Of course I am. Sex scares me. You saw the Sex Ed films, you know what can happen! Babies, diseases...
Present: Long-term commitment?
Freshman: Hey, there's plenty of time for that. Besides, I don't ever want to be a soccer mom. And I'm never going to get one of those old lady perms, either.
Present: I hear you. Anyway, the so-called nice guys you pursue, the guys who don't have the nerve to make a move, why do you suppose you fall for guys like that?
Freshman: Because ... they're funny? Sweet? Kind?
Present: How about because they're unattainable.
Freshman: Unattainable? Why would I want that?
Present: You see, there's a middle ground here that you never paid attention to. You would have hopeless crushes on guys you knew would never make a move on you. Meanwhile, you went out with guys just because they said they were interested. And all the time, there were guys all around you, who had a lot in common with you, people you found attractive, who were dropping you subtle hints.
Freshman: You're kidding!
Present: No, I'm not. Remember Zach? And Paul P.?
Freshman: Paul P.? Really?
Present: You are so naive.
Freshman: I'm not naive. I'm 18. I'm an adult. I make informed decisions.
Present: Yeah, yeah. Keep telling yourself that. Some day you'll understand what I mean.
Freshman: You really think Paul likes me?
Present: How can I put this? He did for awhile, but when you didn't respond to his overtures, he gave up on you. You were too busy obsessing about your latest crush.
Freshman: Not to be rude, but how much do you weigh right now?
Present: I'd rather not say. I will say, however, that I've recently lost 30 pounds and am working on getting in even better shape.
Freshman: Really? How'd you gain so much?
Present: You know all those strombolis you eat? And the Penn State Creamery ice cream?
Freshman: I go to aerobics class, too.
Present: You gained the "freshman 10" within two months.
Freshman: So did my roommate.
Present: I'm just saying don't blame me for all of it.
Freshman: You never got married?
Present: I think there's some things you just shouldn't know, because if you alter your path, then I'll cease to exist.
Freshman: Then why are we even having this conversation?
Present: Literary device?
Freshman: Oh, yes. Sounds like something I'd do. Is there anything you can tell me, that won't screw up my future?
Present: I guess all I'd say would be stay true to yourself. And keep on keepin' on.
Freshman: Thanks, fortune cookie.
Present: I told you I couldn't be specific.
Freshman: Well, look, I've got to run. I've got a paper to research in the library, then a WPSU staff meeting, then a Bi Sci review session, then I'm meeting a friend to catch the latest Thespians production. I can't wait until I graduate and get to slow down a little bit!
Present: Um... right.
Freshman: Take care!
Present: Keep it real!
The freshman me is out the door already, a tie-dyed blur, a purple backpack crammed full of papers, books and comedy skits slung on her back, her wavy hair blowing in the brisk spring breeze.
Moral:
Keep
on keepin' on.
Copyright 2003 by Alyce Wilson
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