Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

Why is anyone surprised that Arnold Schwarzenegger won the California recall election? He's a highly popular movie star whom many people consider (wrongly) to be attractive.

It just goes to show that the popular kid always wins. Who didn't know this?

Case in point: the "Jews for Buchanan" Florida fiasco aside, was there any doubt that the crude but affable and athletic George W. would win over wooden, brainy Gore? A man whose protracted, yet still wooden, kiss of wife Tipper Gore at the Democratic National Convention probably did more to cost him the election than his ill-disguised disdain for his pea-brained opponent during the debates?

It's like high school all over again. Of course the jock will win over the nerd. Every time. And in the case of California, the nerdy Gray Davis was also the bully who stole the state's collective lunch money. They were as likely to vote to keep him as they were to elect Gary Coleman.

The California recall also proves that you can't have a candidate as funny as Ahnold in a state with a huge comedian constituency and not expect him to win by a landslide.

Why, Alec Baldwin, on Late Night with Conan O'Brien, even pleaded with voters to elect Ahnold as a favor to Conan, who was so proud of his Ahnold impression that he wanted to have an excuse to keep using it.

I wrote a sketch based on this same general premise during the 1992 presidential elections. It was performed at a meeting of the Penn State Monty Python Society by some very talented people who, when you think about it, had to do double impressions.

CNN Special Report: Election '92

CATHERINE CRYER: Welcome back to CNN Special Report: Election '92. I'm Catherine Cryer and with me this evening is Bernhard Warg, filling in for Bernard Shaw.

BERNHARD WARG: As you probably know, it's a very tense race tonight to see who's going to be the nation's president for the next four years on Saturday Night Live.

CRYER: We have a tape of Dana Carvey on the campaign trail yesterday, as George Bush.

DANA CARVEY (KNEELING WITH HANDS CLASPED AS IF IN PRAYER): I'm begging you. Please vote for me! Sure, I have a lot of money with the Wayne's World thing — profitable, profitable — but I don't wanna leave Saturday Night! Please vote for me!

CRYER: As you can see, he does a fantastic George Bush.

WARG: Yes, and his H. Ross Perot is even better. Here's a tape from last night's political address.

CARVEY (SITTING IN CHAIR KIND OF STIFFLY): H. Ross here. I'm not like those other impressionists, the old garde — I'm no Rich Little, see. And I think it's really sad, these prop guys who throw on a wig and say (THROWS ON A BLOND WIG) , "Look, Rob Kampia." (LAUGHS AND TAKES WIG OFF) That's just sad, you see. I don't even need the big ears, see. Not wearing 'em. The comedy scene in this country is like year-old motor oil — needs changing. So vote for me, Ross for Boss, and I'll make sure that Saturday Night serves you.

CRYER: Again, a fantastic performance. Dana Carvey is really...

WARG: Sorry to interrupt you, but the polls have closed in the East and we have some results. Bill Clinton has won most of the East Coast, with Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, Georgia, New Jersey and North Carolina. George Bush has won only South Carolina — this is a tough night for Dana Carvey.

CRYER: Let's go now to Little Rock, Arkansas, where a Queen medley is just beginning.

(A GROUP OF SUPPORTERS SITS AROUND SINGING, "WE WILL ROCK YOU.")

REPORTER: I'm here at the governor's mansion in Little Rock, and the mood is jubilant. With only a third of the votes in, the Phil Hartman camp is confident. Back to you, Catherine.

CRYER: Thank you. Let's look now at a tape of Phil Hartman as Bill Clinton.

PHIL HARTMAN (STANDING AT PODIUM): Our country stands at the threshold of a new era. I'm not riding the crest of a box office success like Mr. Carvey, but I know what's good for this country. Vote for me and we'll show those uptight Republican pinheads that I can't be stopped by a little grass and a little ass. I need you! Be there for me tomorrow!

CRYER: Well, he's no Dan Aykroyd, but still a great character actor.

WARG: We have more results, this time from the Midwest. Bush has picked up a few states. Utah — no surprise there — and Indiana has voted for him twice. But he's still trailing by over 100 electoral votes. Clinton only needs a few more states to clinch this race.

CRYER: And now we go to the results of some key statewide races. Good news for Ellen Cleghorn, who's going to be uncontested on SNL to play Carol Moseley Braun, the first African-American woman senator.

Also, Julia Sweeney is in luck in this Year of the Woman — she's got five new women congresspersons to choose from, including Patty Murray from Washington State. And if the trends continue, she'll also get a lot of work as Hillary Clinton.

WARG: We've just received word that Dana Carvey is giving his concession speech as Ross Perot.

(PEROT SUPPORTERS DANCE AROUND TO COUNTRY MUSIC)

REPORTER: I'm here at Fort Worth, and the Perot camp is lively, despite tonight's election results. It looks like Carvey's about to speak.

CARVEY (DANCES AROUND WITH MRS. PEROT — TALKS AS HE DANCES): I'd like to thank you all for a great power trip. Clinton's now our elected leader, standing on a bridge to new leadership. Let's all get behind him and give him a big push!

CRYER: And now, with most of the Midwest vote in, Clinton has exceeded by almost 100 electoral votes the 270 he needed to win.

WARG: It looks like Dana Carvey as Bush is finally going to give a concession speech, so we take you to Washington, D.C.

(CROWD IS CHEERING "GOD IS DEAD! GOD IS DEAD!")

REPORTER: The president has been cautious this evening, waiting for a miracle. But he finally seems to be facing facts. And now he's about to speak.

CARVEY: Now, now. God is not dead, just a little distracted, that's all. Something must have happened in Eastern Europe and he looked away for a minute and bam! Clinton. But don't be upset. Phil Hartman — good man, fine comic actor. Nice hair, nice hair. We should all unite and enjoy the next four years... By the way, look for my autobiography, "Read My Book."

(NIXON WALKS ON STAGE, PUTS ARM AROUND BUSH TO CONSOLE HIM)

RICHARD NIXON: You're lucky, George. Clinton creamed you. Kennedy got me 49.9 percent to 49.6 percent. (THEY WALK OFFSTAGE TOGETHER)

CRYER: We now go to Phil Hartman, who will be making his acceptance speech as Bill Clinton.

HARTMAN: This is a great honor. I look forward to leading Saturday Night into a new era. Let's go beyond the Dana Carvey years, the Mike Myers years, the Dennis Miller years, and the Al Franken decade. Now it's me, Phil Hartman, and I guarantee a new, inclusive approach, with a diversity of characters, for this, Saturday Night Live, the greatest comedy show in the history of humanity.

CRYER: Phil Hartman, accepting the leadership of SNL. We'd like to remind those on the West Coast and Hawaii that just because Bill Clinton has undeniably won, that shouldn't stop you from getting out in inclement weather and casting your vote.

WARG: Stay with us on CNN and we'll be giving you results on which comedians will be playing the winners of key state races,and we'll be breaking down the vote by ethnicity, economic status, religion, gender, and favorite ice cream flavor.

CRYER: I'm Catherine Cryer, with Bernhard Warg standing in for Bernard Shaw, and this has been a CNN Special Report.

CARVEY (AS BUSH) (WANDERS ON WITH NIXON,WHO IS STILL CONSOLING HIM): How did Truman do it, Dick? I did the train ride thing, whistle stops -- "How ya' doin'," next town. I even look a little like Truman. It's not fair.

NIXON: Well, maybe he'll get shot. Worked for me. I know an unemployed postal worker who... (CONTINUES AS THEY EXIT STAGE LEFT)

Copyright 2003 by Alyce Wilson

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