PICARD: Captain's Log, Stardate 34088.6. The Enterprise has just arrived at the Destrani outpost at Frighi IV from where the Federation has lost contact with the Grogolian research teach studying sentient Rugliahvastribit beetles who have the curious ability to exist solely on Brulithiusukarkly crystals. Unfortunately, since myself and the rest of my core personnel are occupied, intently studying the ancient philosophical text, "Hooked on Phonics," to prevent any slip in pronunciation that might anger the easily insultible Destrani ambassador and initiate a war which may last many generations, I will have to rely on secondary personnel to man the away team to the surface of Frighiharestradialexceter, considered by some in the Federation as one of the most dangerous and unpronounceable planets in known space.

(Ship's officers sit nearby, reciting exercises from "Hooked on Phonics.")

(Enter Ensign Smith, Yeoman Smith and Petty Officer Jones)

(Transporter Chief O'Brien is waiting for them)

O'BRIEN: Coordinates are set. Commander Riker will be down in a few minutes.

ENSIGN: (to Yeoman Smith) This is my first away mission. I'm a little nervous... (awkward pause)... I'm Ensign Smith.

YEOMAN: (shakes Ensign's hand) I'm Yeoman Smith.

JONES: (shakes Ensign's hand) Petty Officer Jones.

ENSIGN: Do you know anything about this mission?

YEOMAN: I'm sure Commander Riker will fill us in.

(Enter Commander Riker, reciting phonics: "A, ah. I, ih. W, wuh."
Riker sees the away team, clears throat and speaks.)

RIKER: (handing them a computer disk) This contains all you need to know to complete your mission. Plug it into your tricorders when you reach the surface. (Turns to walk away)

JONES: (quickly) Sir! Aren't you leading this mission?

RIKER: Sorry, Petty Officer Jones. Picard has us busy practicing... diplomatic protocol. (Exits, reciting phonics exercises; over-enuciating each consonant: "The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog. Oh, Mr. Belpit. Your legs are so swollen")

YEOMAN: (to O'Brien) Sir, is there another officer coming down?

O'BRIEN: Yes. Lieutenant Reg Barclay.

JONES: We're doomed.

(Enter Lieutenant Barclay, carrying equipment of some sort)

BARCLAY: Hi, fellas. You'll need this on the planet's surface. We're not sure how the thinner atmosphere will affect your circulatory system, so I've packed you some experimental body regulator suits... and a couple extra sweaters.

ENSIGN: But... the away team never uses atmospheric suits!

BARCLAY: Don't worry, guys. I tested them in the Holodeck, accounting for all possible variations of temperature and atmosphere.

ENSIGN: What did Jordy say about them?

BARCLAY: Jordy? Don't tell Jordy about them! Jordy doesn't know I built them — he thinks they're a dangerous, stupid idea. Besides, when they work, I want all the credit.

JONES: (getting increasingly more nervous) So, you're coming with us, then?

BARCLAY: Uh... nooo. I mean, I need to stay here on the ship and monitor your air intake.

(Exits, humming nervously, passing Deanna Troy on her way in.
She tries to say hello, but he avoids making eye contact and
mumbles, "Hi, Deanna. I'm feeling perfectly normal today.")

JONES: (noticeably relieved) Counselor Troy! You're coming with us as an ambassador?

TROY: No. Actually, I just came to warn you about a premonition I had. There's something odd about the life forms on this planet ... they're not like any other consciousness I've encountered.

YEOMAN: Oh, that's news!

TROY: They seem to be hiding something, but I don't sense any desire to harm... It's probably nothing. I shouldn't have mentioned it.

ENSIGN: (getting a little desperate) Well, maybe you should come along with us to check it out for yourself.

TROY: Sorry. I can't do that. My mother's on board, and she keeps flirting with Worf. I sense the possibility of a nasty confrontation. Well, good luck. (Exits, reciting the alphabet)

YEOMAN: (clearly nervous) I'm sure we don't have anything to worry about.

ENSIGN: (equally nervous) They wouldn't send us on a suicide mission.

JONES: (beyond nervous, into panicking) (heavily sarcastic) Noooo! It's not like we're expendable or anything! Yeoman Smith, Ensign Smith and Petty Officer Jones are far too valuable to send on an away mission to an unexplored planet with strange, dangerous life forms and experimental space suits! Face the facts, people! None of the officers are coming with us because they know we're not coming back. We're going to DIE! We're going to DIEEEEE!!!! (grabs and shakes Yeoman Smith)

O'BRIEN: (surprisingly nonchalant) Ready to beam down, then?

JONES: No! We're not going! We're not going to be your cannon fodder! I declare myself a conscientious objector! I demand amnesty! I demand consideration of my human rights!

ENSIGN: Petty Officer Jones is right. There's no way I'm going unless somebody more expendable than I am goes with me. They can't take us all down. Why don't they send a security officer? Those guys always get it in the chest with the first phaser blast.

O'BRIEN: Don't you think you're overreacting a bit?

YEOMAN: Why don't we switch places and see how you like being sent on a suicide mission, Particle Head?

O'BRIEN: I mean, just because you get shot in this week's episode doesn't mean you can't appear next week as a Klingon.

ENSIGN: He does have a point there.

YEOMAN: I guess so. And we could always do a stint on Deep Space Nine.

O'BRIEN: Ah! That's the spirit.

JONES: Don't be fools! (starts to run out of transporter room but is shot dead by O'Brien)

O'BRIEN: (touches communicator pin) O'Brien to bridge. We need another Smith down here on the double.