up fairly early to work on a sandwich board for the Twit-of-the-Year
Run. I cut things out of magazines and pasted them on and wrote on
the posters in blue and black ink.
I recently found this sandwich board at my father's place. It turns
out that one of the pictures I selected to represent a "typical
Penn Stater" was of Gwyneth Paltrow, who must have been doing
some modeling at the time. Poor Gwyneth has a 16-ton weight hanging
precariously over her head.]
[Wilson, my brother] showed up when I was partially finished. I was
already dressed up for the competition, as Berlin St. Croix. At first,
I was going to wear black pants, but it didn't look as much like her.
So I wore the black shirt, black turtleneck, black shoes and black
socks. And I fluffed my hair up as much as I could.
Berlin St. Croix, who prefers to be known as Black Death,
is Gother than you. She was created for a skit I wrote on The Rubber
Chicken Comedy Closet, about a poetry edition of Star Search.
She has some traits in common with my earlier alter ego, Ecila Nosliw
(oh, what a give away!) who appears in some early issues of Completely
Different. She currently has some work upcoming in the literary
magazine Dark Gothic.]
down a little early to help L.J. ["Trotsky" Sparvero] set
things up. Kzin [Jon Kilgannon] came by and helped move the bed out
onto the lawn.
For the second time, we used L.J.'s bed, since his room was
conveniently located on the first floor, at the end of the west wing
of Atherton Hall, which was right next to the HUB Lawn, site of the
and some other people put the lines out, and we sent out a party to
obtain a table for the fresh fruit.
more people showed up, we were trying to get some spectators by sending
some people around with signs to accost them.
a little late, we got started. Eric [Schr9ager] couldn't be there
to act as play-by-play commentator, so we got Rob Lindsay to do it.
Andy, Damon and Rob were the judges. L.J. had prepared some rules
[for the judges], which are as follows:
THE OBJECT OF THE COMPETITION IS NOT TO FINISH THE RACE IN THE SHORTEST
TIME, BUT TO BE THE MOST SILLY.
EACH COMPETITOR IS JUDGED ON A "5-POINT MUST" SCALE OF
5 (BEST), 3 (AVERAGE) TO 1 (WORST). THIS MEANS THAT THE PERSON WHO
DID THE BEST IN AN EVENT GETS 5 POINTS, A GOOD SHOWING IS WORTH
3 POINTS, WHILE A POOR RESULT IS ONLY 1 POINT. DO NOT MARK DOWN
A "2" OR A "4."
THERE IS NO RULE SIX.
WHENEVER A JUDGE DECIDES THAT A COMPETITOR HAS WON AN EVENT (DID
SOMETHING SO SILLY THAT IT TOPS ALL THE OTHERS), THEN HE BLOWS A
WHISTLE, HONKS A HORN, OR MAKES SOME VERBAL SIGNAL THAT THE EVENT
IS OVER. THE CONTESTANTS NOW (AND ONLY NOW) GO TO THE NEXT EVENT.
WINNER HAS THE HIGHEST SCORE.
SINCE THERE ARE SIX EVENTS, DIVIDE THE TOTAL SCORE BY THREE TO GET
POINT RATING (I.E. 9.3, 4.5, 0.7).
These instructions were a bit... er, regimental, but at least they
didn't involve mooning or armored battalions. I stretched the truth
earlier; we did allow Trotsky to write
the instructions more than once. I deliberately sacrificed the truth
for comic effect, and I will now hit my head on the keyboard until
forgiven ... ajlksdasljda;djsoaiupasodh paposduiapoiuasdfhaghpoiagjhiaohpgpuhagdapshdahgpahg....