School Year 1990-1991
Rineyhoo Valley Fund Letter
That summer I did more research on my honor thesis. Among the books
I read was Book of Goons, which is a compilation of letters that
Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan wrote to each other,
in character, over the years. It reminded me of letters I used to write,
in my early Penn State days, to a friend from back home, Mike Lamprinos.
I wrote him another:
you profusely with much bleeding of the mouth for the generous contribution
you made to the Rineyhoo Valley Fund. As you know, we are a charity
of highest reputation, dedicated to the preservation of warts. These
warts (or wartella proboscis) are symbiotic creatures which promote
the well-being of many African animals, such as ... well, any number
of them, I can tell you. Your generous contribution will keep these
warts alive, to live and breed on the proud backs of healthy African
animals and such.
must say, your extremely generous contribution came as a bit of a surprise.
We had never before received more than a blank stare and a kick in the
pants, but when the IRS auditor informed us that you had contributed
your entire 1990 salary to us, we were dumbfounded. Unfortunately, the
auditor believed that you had made us up as a tax dodge, but once he
contacted us we assured him that you probably knew about us through
the extensive door-to-door campaigning we have done at the three blocks
surrounding our office. Quite possibly, you heard about us from one
of the few neighbors who actually live here (most of them are fictional
and are never home, besides). Anyway, we thank you again for your ludicrously
please find the African pigmy baboon skin that we send to anyone who
donates $3 or more. In light of your contribution, we are negotiating
a shipment of 2000 more skins, to arrive next month.
to remember the plight of the warts when you file next year's form.
President of Rineyhoo Valley Fund