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School Year 1990-1991

Rineyhoo Valley Fund Letter

That summer I did more research on my honor thesis. Among the books I read was Book of Goons, which is a compilation of letters that Peter Sellers, Harry Secombe and Spike Milligan wrote to each other, in character, over the years. It reminded me of letters I used to write, in my early Penn State days, to a friend from back home, Mike Lamprinos.

So I wrote him another:

Rineyhoo Valley Fund
34 Canzona Seria
Pittsburgh, PA

Dean Michael Lampeanose,

Thank you profusely with much bleeding of the mouth for the generous contribution you made to the Rineyhoo Valley Fund. As you know, we are a charity of highest reputation, dedicated to the preservation of warts. These warts (or wartella proboscis) are symbiotic creatures which promote the well-being of many African animals, such as ... well, any number of them, I can tell you. Your generous contribution will keep these warts alive, to live and breed on the proud backs of healthy African animals and such.

I must say, your extremely generous contribution came as a bit of a surprise. We had never before received more than a blank stare and a kick in the pants, but when the IRS auditor informed us that you had contributed your entire 1990 salary to us, we were dumbfounded. Unfortunately, the auditor believed that you had made us up as a tax dodge, but once he contacted us we assured him that you probably knew about us through the extensive door-to-door campaigning we have done at the three blocks surrounding our office. Quite possibly, you heard about us from one of the few neighbors who actually live here (most of them are fictional and are never home, besides). Anyway, we thank you again for your ludicrously generous donation.

Enclosed, please find the African pigmy baboon skin that we send to anyone who donates $3 or more. In light of your contribution, we are negotiating a shipment of 2000 more skins, to arrive next month.

Continue to remember the plight of the warts when you file next year's form.


Albert Blathings,
President of Rineyhoo Valley Fund

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