The Colonel Rap
By Alyce Wilson
(to the tune of "Too Legit to Quit" by Hammer)

You know me — I am the Colonel.
If I see something silly I write it in my journal.
If I were you, I wouldn't take a chance.
You do something silly, I'll kick you in the pants.
I had a hint, I had a notion,
You ask how? By promotion (HOLD UP MEETING FLYER)
Something silly's going on tonight,
But before it does, I'm going to set it right.

(CHORUS) You're a git, you're a stupid git. (4X)

I've seen some silly stuff in my day,
But this group takes the cake away.
Flyers! And primal screams!
It's enough to give me horrid dreams.
Science! And silly walks! (DO SILLY WALK)
It's ridiculous the way you all talk!
You prance about all willy-nilly.
You know what your problem is?
You're too silly! (CHORUS)

By now, Jean [Prior] had started the meeting for me. I got dressed up in my Colonel outfit (British army jacket, black pants, leather shoes, hat and riding whip), and we entered the classroom. Somebody had gotten them all stirred up... When we finally got them quieted a bit, I started them clapping in rhythm. "Pretend there's real music," I said. A mistake. Someone started humming an indiscernible melody. "Stop that," I called. "You're too silly." And I gave my backup singers the cue to start doing the arm moves.

I launched into the rap, with the aid of my trusty lyrics sheet. (I've learned far too often that it's best not to try to go from memory with the songs I write, especially if I've written them the same day that I'm performing them!) Since the same guy who'd been humming was still being a bit loud into the piece, I directed one of the lines in the first verse to him, "If I were you, I wouldn't take a chance / If you do something silly, I'll kick you in the pants." That shut him up.

During the chorus, I danced a little across the stage, using my riding whip as a "cane" and shuffling in "Hammer"-like moves. People seemed to appreciate it. They laughed, anyway. Of course, they could have been laughing at my background singers/dancers, who may very well have been upstaging me the entire time.

At the end of the song, I went up to Andy (all of them were still dancing) and pointed my riding whip at him. "You're not even a proper woman! Get off!" I directed him off stage. He looked like an accused, frightened puppy (something he does very well), whimpered and ran off.

Then I attacked Carl. "What is this?" I asked, pointing to his T-shirt. "Powdermilk Biscuits? That's not even a real product. Off with you!!" Carl exited, stage right.

Holli was still on stage. I went up to her and started talking. "I mean, nobody enjoys a good joke more than I do. Well, maybe my spouse and a few of my friends. But there's no harm in that! I mean... everything's just too bloody silly."

Holli gave a disgusted look at me and in an aside to the audience, commented, "That's it. I'm leaving. They don't pay me enough." She huffed off the stage.

"She said a line!" I exclaimed. "Now we'll have to pay her more!" This caused a minor uproar in the audience, as people offered to do various OTHER things for money. I looked around, as if just realizing that I was alone. "Am I alone up here? That's not very silly." And I walked offstage.

From the reaction we got, it seems that the club enjoyed my little skit. We also had a running joke through the meeting, as people jumped up and said, "This is my only line!" and then someone else chirped in, "Oh, now we'll have to pay you!" People would jump up in the middle of other people's skits and say, "At this point, I would like to do a cartwheel for money." Then they'd get pushed off the stage.

Early in the meeting, I tried to get people to dance every time they got up to say something, but that died pretty quick. However, since I'd brought my CD player and my new Monty Python Sings CD, we listened and sang along to several tunes. Then we watched, I believe, an episode of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.