On a beautiful Penn State afternoon (translation: drizzling and overcast), a group of brave explorers (translation: outpatients) made the umpteenth annual trek up the twin peaks of Mount Pattee. This was accomplished by turning gravity 90 degrees, which makes the climb much more challenging (otherwise, we'd be climbing horizontally, which is silly).

The first leg of the journey, from Pollock Road to Base Camp A, is the easiest part of the climb. Conditions were quite dangerous, however, due to the dampness and drizzle. Several life-threatening avalanches (translation: people throwing blades of grass) were weathered without major incident. The late, Cheese-Grated Kzin (Mrs.), a.k.a. Jon Kilgannon, sustained interview burns from his constant opinion polls, which were no more annoying than the constant presidential polls for the coming election (translation: extremely annoying). Approximately 10 yards from Base Camp A, Mr. Simpson (French, is it?), a.k.a. Carl Haicken, shattered both his calves. But due to bravery and poor planning, he agreed to continue the climb.

At Base Camp A, the party rested, ate provisions, and engaged in whatever nuptial agreements people found necessary. Carl Haicken immediately married Mr. Simpson (translation: himself), and as a mail-order priest, I now pronounced him "a really sick human being."

Rob Lindsay decided not to marry Attila the Dead, a.k.a. Steven Gradess, but asked if he could kill him instead. Seems that Rob had suffered quite a few bad head injuries (translation: puns), compliments of Attila the Pun.

When asked his opinion on the climb so far, Ed Gruberman, a.k.a. Neale Lanigan, said, "Owwww!"