February 13 , 2004 - Penguin Love

You see, there are these two penguins, Silo and Roy, at the Central Park Zoo who are completely devoted to each other, who kiss and nuzzle each other and gaze adoringly into each other's eyes. And yes, they're both male.

What's more, they're not the only ones. There's also Wendell and Cass at the New York Aquarium. Also deeply in love. Also gay.

The prevalance of gay animals in nature should make anybody question the conservative dogma that it's "unnatural" or an "abomination." Oh, but excessive eye makeup is just fine, is it?

Somebody has a strange definition of "unnatural."

If you ask me, we live in exciting times. Openly gay penguins in the New York Aquarium are just a part of it.

Today's fight over gay marriage is a lot like the fight for civil rights in the 1960s. The best part is, we're right on the cusp of change. First Vermont and Toronto, Canada, then Massachusetts, now San Francisco.

... By the way, did anyone think that San Francisco would be the third place to legalize gay marriage in this country? They're slacking, if you ask me.

The debate centers over the word "marriage," which sticks in the craw of the reactionary right (I'm not entirely sure what a "craw" is, but I've always wanted to use that expression). They fuss and fume and say that marriage should be reserved for a man and a woman. Because, you know, that always works out so well.

I mean, even Barbie and Ken just broke up. Say it isn't so!

Of course, if Ken's anywhere near the way he was when my friends and I played Barbies, then he shares a one-bedroom apartment with Donnie Osmond, occasionally wears dresses and yes, sad to say, sometimes walks on his head.

But back to the topic at hand, which was... oh, yes. Gay married penguins. Hey, it could happen. They're already wearing the tuxedos, so why not?

Seriously, though, there are some very good reasons why same sex couples deserve to get married. And not just, to steal a joke from a standup comedian I heard on a late show recently, because they will singlehandedly revitalize the economy with their extravagant weddings.

Also not because, as another comedian said, they deserve to be as miserable as the rest of us. I'm allowed to say this, by the way, because of my ill-fated marriage to a schizophrenic hippie. Hey, I was young, and he had cool hair.

No, gays and lesbians deserve to get married for the very same reasons that straight people do: to protect families. Many gays and lesbians have children, either from previous relationships or through artificial insemination or adoption. Those families deserve health insurance benefits, Social Security benefits and, should the marriage break apart, a legal standing for divorce and custody proceedings.

And with the range of "alternative" and "non-traditional" families vastly outnumbering the "traditional nuclear family" — or as George W. says, "nucular" — it's time to stop pretending that opposing gay marriage "protects families."

Now, I'm not about to tell a particular church whether they should perform gay marriage in their own congregations. I mean, some of these people still wear polyester, for heaven's sakes. So don't expect any miracles on that front.

In a great column about gay marriage, drag queen Banji Realness points out that in 1992 the Catholic Church finally pardoned Galileo for saying the earth was flat. By that logic, homosexuality will be OK with the Roman Catholic Church by about 2768.

But marriage ceremonies can be performed at city halls, by ship captains, or by Internet-ordained priests, so those with religious objections can continue to uphold their prejudi... beliefs.

I have a dream. A dream of a world where Susie can have two mommies and Billy can have two daddys. I have a dream of a land where intolerance has no place, where prejudice is part of our past. I have a dream where fuschia tuxedoes are rented out regularly, as well as flannel wedding gowns.

I have a dream of a world where gay couples can be as open about their love as gay penguins. I have a dream of a world where we can all walk together, hand in hand, regardless of gender, and fear nothing.

That day is coming. Those dreams will be realized. Wedding planners, get ready.

Moral:
When you realize that "craw" means "a pouch in many birds and some lower animals that resembles a stomach for storage and preliminary maceration of food," the expression loses its pizzazz.