Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson


Jan. 26, 2003: Pain Unimaginable

Most people try to spend their Saturdays doing something enjoyable. I spent mine watching bad animation, on purpose.

You see, I have some friends who subject themselves to this torture for a greater cause. They are the masterminds behind what's known as Mystery Anime Theater 3000 (MAT3K), which is performed every year at the Japanese animation convention, Otakon.

In MAT3K, they do a live performance, including skits, where they mock a poorly done Japanese animation (anime).

At this point, during the weeding out process, they're deliberately renting bad videos and inflicting them on their unsuspecting friends, such as myself.


My pain was mitigated somewhat by the fact that we were cracking jokes about the animations while watching them. But there are moments you realize you've wasted precious brain space for memories you don't even want.

In case you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some of the warning signs of a bad anime:

  • Both God and the Devil are bad guys.
  • It is animation by name alone: minutes go by with the camera zooming in slowly on still cells.
  • The plot makes David Lynch movies seem coherent.
  • You laugh during the heavy emotional sequences; you laugh during the battle scenes; you laugh during the death scenes.
  • The only time you don't laugh is at the jokes.
  • The same tape loop of an ocean scene is used seven times during the film, all to indicate different places and different times.
  • The lead characters make Homer Simpson look like a Rhodes Scholar.
  • There's a long transformation sequence where five ships turn into a robot; then the giant robot does nothing.
  • Story arc, what story arc? Plot, what plot? Senseless expository dialogue? We've got that!
  • One of the characters has mood skin, changing colors. This is not intentional.
  • Your first response, after the film ends, is not, "That was bad" but "My eyes hurt."
  • After the movie ends, you see trails. You are not on drugs.

Moral:
Next time you're asked to screen bad anime, run screaming.

Copyright 2003 by Alyce Wilson

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