Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

I've had so much personal stuff to write about lately that I haven't done a Musing of found items for a while. Since school is back in session, I'm finding more school related items lately on my daily dog walks. Here's a selection, found within the last year.

I found this first item at the beginning of this school year, outside a local elementary school, a capital and lower case "N," the sort that's often posted above the chalkboard for first graders learning to write. This particular version, though, was on plain white paper and a bit the worse for wear.

So why only the letter "N" and not the rest of the alphabet. I can only assume it's because the teacher has banned the "N" word from the classroom. It's a great idea. Just ask Michael Richards and Duane "Dog the Bounty Hunter" Chapman.

Next appears to be a reading comprehension assignment about orangutans. It reads:

Who    This article is about Orangutans. The orangutans are the most like humans.

What    They are in danger of becoming extinct.

When      There are oly 57,000 orangutans left in Indonesia
Where     They could all be gone in 10 years

Why     Poochers are killing the mothers to get the babies and using their habitat  for farming, gold mining and logging

Without having read the assignment, it sounds like this student did a good job of summing up the reading passage. And while the unknown student used "poochers" for "poachers," the student did get "orangutan" right. I have trouble with that one myself (I mean, why isn't it "orangutang"? English is such a random language).

Then there are a couple of slips of paper that appear to be cheat sheets.

The first is clearly for a biology class. I found it near the local Catholic grade school. One side says "phenotype-physical," which is crossed out, and then "physical." The other side is a list:

phenotype
genotype
homozygous dominant
homozygous recessive
heterozygous

This student was clearly studying genetics, which is pretty advanced for grade school. Then again, it's possible that the paper was dropped by a high school student who lived in the neighborhood.

Years later, the simple act of creating this cheat sheet may indelibly store this information to memory, whereas everything that once came to the student easily has fled. I've had a similar experience, with my mneumonic devices for French vocabulary words sticking in my head, such as a Polaroid of an armchair with a big eyeball on it. That symbolizes the French word for armchair, fauteuil (photo + eye). That's stuck with me, but ask me to hold the most rudimentary conversation in French, and I probably sound like the Hungarian Phrasebook sketch from Monty Python: "Come back to my place, bouncy-bouncy!"

The second cheat sheet says "Deep Current" on one side, with an odd flouish on the cursive capital "D." The other side reads: "ocean current caused mainly by differences in the density of water deep in the ocean."

Maybe it's just me, but I can't imagine why anyone would need this cheat sheet. After all, isn't the definition contained within the term itself? Maybe this person should spend less time inventing flourishes and more time striving to understand the material.

The next find appears to be either a homework assignment or an in-class quiz. The student, whose initials are "E.B.," apparently was tasked with using certain spelling words in sentences. The paper reads:

1. Mother is going to buy the new and improved Wheat Thins.

2. Reed knew by his speed that he was in the lead.

3. She agreed to plead not guilty to the charge.

The student got a perfect score for this assignment. I think it's fascinating that the three sentences, though unrelated, read as a dadaist flash fiction piece. Fill in the blanks with your imagination.

Perhaps the mother, a known ne'er-do-well, was on her way to buy the new and improved Wheat Thins, hoping to redeem her unsavory past. On the way into the store, she runs into her son, Reed, who flies by her, a box of Wheat Thins under his arm. Just as the alarm at the door goes off, he flings the box at his surprised mother, his feet pounding the pavement ahead of the panting security guard. Reed rounds the corner, safely headed home, and the security guard spies the mother, still clutching the Wheat Thins, her mouth agape.

"Come on, Mrs. We know you're in on this," he grunts, grabbing her roughly by the arm.

"New and improved my buttocks," she grumbles as she finds herself once more in front of the district magistrate. Determined, however, to save her wayward son, she whispers into her lawyer's ear, "Tell them I did it. That way they won't go after Reed."

The lawyer says, "Not a chance. The surveillance tape clearly shows you're innocent. Plead not guilty."

"But my son..."

"Shhh! Keep your voice down. They're not charging him, so leave well enough alone." She nods grimly, thinking about the cocktail party she'd hoped to throw for her neighbors, featuring elegant hors d'oeuvres of cheddar and olives on Wheat Thins. It was supposed to be her introduction into polite society. A new neighborhood, a new life. And now this...

The lawyer breaks into her reverie. "You know, he's fast, though. You ought to tell that kid to try out for the track team. It will give him something positive to do."

Yes, the track team! Why hadn't she thought of it? Visions of her teenage boy, in a spiffy track uniform, winning medal after medal, made her smile. She would sit in the stands, sporting a powder-blue sweater set, cheering loudly, laughing with new friends and passing a box of Wheat Thins.

She sat up straighter and declared, "Not guilty!" New and improved.

On the other side of the paper is a geometry assignment, which I must admit I find far less interesting. Then again, I never was a fan of math.

The student seems to share my skill set, getting only two out of three correct in this geometry quiz. That's OK, E.B. You'll get it if you just study a little harder. Here, have some Wheat Thins.

Copyright 2006 by Alyce Wilson

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