Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

I spent much of this weekend going through submissions for Wild Violet. By the end of the weekend, I had gotten through all of them, and soon I'll be finalizing the rundown for our next issue.

But then the real work begins, with the design. This will be my first issue without my original web designer and art editor, so I'll be designing the site from now on with the help of The Gryphon's computer expertise. He's writing me a program which he says will automate the page design for me.

The Gryphon and I watched several episodes of the British sitcom Coupling, which is like Seinfeld meets Sex in the City ("But funny," The Gryphon adds). We also watched several episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, newly borrowed from my friend, The Paper.

The real highlight of the weekend, though, was seeing Lewis Black at the Tower Theater Sunday night, October 3.

I really only found out about Lewis Black in the last couple years because so many of them were quoting him all the time, one of the most prominent of those being The Dormouse. The last time Lewis Black was here was on New Year's, which was bad timing since we all had a party to attend.

But this time, I suggested getting tickets, and The Gryphon and I invited The Dormouse along, who readily agreed.

We ate first at a local Asian cuisine restaurant, where I had some very good sushi. Then we drove back to my place and got a cab to the Tower Theater, knowing it would be hard to find parking downtown.

The Tower Theater is a beautiful old theater with all sorts of ornate decorations. As I've said to others in the past, there are no bad seats. This was my first time sitting in the balcony. We were a few rows back, but we still had a great view.

Before the show started, I picked up a T-shirt and a CD, in part because there were signs up that there would be an autograph session after the show and you had to have something to sign.

The T-shirt I wanted only came in a medium, but fortunately that's the size I needed anyway. I've figured out how to take pictures using my camera's timer, so I had a little fun.

We then each got ourselves an overpriced beer. The female bartender said to me, "You're going old school with those tights." I was wearing a black pleated miniskirt, black and purple striped stockings, a white scoop necked shirt and a black vest with multiple hooks in the front. The stockings were ones I'd bought a couple years ago but hadn't been able to wear until recently, despite the fact that they were "one size fits all."

Even though I'd just put it in my purse, I couldn't find my ticket, so I followed The Gryphon to our seats.

The opening act was a friend of Lewis Black's, John Bowman. He did a lot of stream-of-consciousness. One of the funniest things he did was imitate Lewis Black, with the voice and the finger jabbing and everything.

He had some great bits, like joking around about 90 percent of your brain having nothing to do, so it fills the time by, say, repeating a Ford jingle over and over, or running endlessly through worst-case scenarios after you nearly have an accident. Or coming up with dreams that are like being stuck in a bad movie.

John Bowman also had some great observations about relationships, how easily they can pivot from being overly saccharine to getting on each other's nerves. He used a story about a trip with a girlfriend to Hawaii to joke about Hawaii's place names and how much they love their vowels. They repeat them over and over, he said, as if they named things by taking a stutterer around with them and telling him to hurry up.

I loved a bit he did about his messed up dreams and how, for example, he fell asleep while watching CNN and dreamt about Bill Clinton trying to show the pope his penis. He imitated the pope, all bent over, running away from Clinton: "I don't want to see your penis." It was so wrong but so funny.

There was a 20-minute intermission, during which I probably should have bought John Bowman's album but didn't think about it. I was too busy panicking over whether I should tip the bathroom attendant a second time, considering I'd put a dollar in the first time I went in. I was on my second mint by then, and I decided two mints and two papers towels aren't worth more than a dollar.

Then, the lights came down, the familiar anthem, "Back in Black" by AC/DC welled up, and Lewis took the stage, to thunderous applause.

He said that when he sees people getting so excited about him taking the stage, who is "a bitter, angry fuck," it makes him realized how fucked up the country is today. "But then," he said, "I remembered I'm in Philadelphia, and you're all a bunch of bitter, angry fucks." There was much cheering.

His set was really interesting, because he touched on a lot of important topics, interspersed with observational humor. He started out with some material about Halloween and a very funny rant on candy corn. If we know it tastes like shit, he pondered, why do we pass it on to the next generation?

Then he moved on to some pop commentary, talking about the Super Bowl and the big deal made over Janet Jackson's breast. From this he managed to segue into the controversy over gay marriage, into creationism versus evolution, singers who hold their dicks while they sing, Christians and the Bible Belt, and the Old Testament God versus the New Testament God.

The New Testament God, he said, is Mr. Nice Guy. He'd like to play a round of golf with him and compliment him on his lime green shorts. The Old Testament God, he said, "is a prick." But that was at a time when the priests needed to establish order, so they needed a scary God to whip people into shape.

And then we were back to Janet Jackson's breast and the overblown controversy. From there to Michael Jackson, who is such a punch line, he said, you didn't even need a joke. If you didn't have a punch line for another joke, just say, "Michael Jackson."

He talked about dieting and the fact that scientists are always changing which foods are good and which are bad. So he's worried about the Atkins Diet because it leaves so much out. He said years from now, maybe people's knees will turn around backwards and they'll wonder how it happened. "Well, apparently, carbs hold the knees together."

And then he got into politics. He ripped on both parties, saying the difference between the two is that "the Democrats blow and the Republicans suck." But he urged people to vote anyway, even if you're just going to vote against someone.

He didn't say much about John Kerry, but the one thing he did say about him I found very funny, even though I'm supporting Kerry in the election. He said the Democrats were doing really well until they named a nominee. And then, John Kerry came out and said, "Hi, I'm John Kerry, and I don't want to win." Immediately, Bush's approval ratings went back up.

Lew finished off the show saying that he thinks there's a certain evolution in politics. In his lifetime, he's gone from John F. Kennedy to John F. Kerry and from Dwight D. Eisenhower to George W. Bush Jr. At this rate, he thinks within eight years we'll be electing plants.

He held up his arms and told us goodnight, and everyone applauded. There was no encore, of course, because of the signing.

I stopped to use the restroom first, and I asked The Gryphon and The Dormouse to get in line for me. But apparently, they had more trouble fighting through the sea of people than I did because of the stairs they chose. So I actually got a place in line before they found their way to me.

At first we were going back through the lobby, but then they moved us into the auditorium because I guess they needed the lobby for moving equipment and things. The line seemed a lot longer in there because it was actually single file, whereas before it had been a long, unruly mass of people.

While we were waiting in line, I told them about the dream I had about dinner with the Bushes. You see, I dreamt I was joining the Bushes for dinner and Laura was cooking chicken. It was really awkward, because I was trying to explain to George W. why I wasn't voting for him.

"Well, it's not that I don't like you, but I don't think you've done a very good job."

And he put his arm around me, all friendly, and said, "Well, you see, it's like this..."

I didn't want to leave -- I was looking forward to the chicken -- but there was no way I was going to vote for him.

I woke up and after I went through "Who am I?" and "Where am I?" I wondered, "Do I really know the Bushes?"

It got me wondering if there's a secret device in the White House. The election's going to be so close so they need every weapon they can get. So they fire it up every night and aim it at the battleground states, like Pennsylvania. Everyone there is dreaming about being friends with the Bushes.

I asked The Dormouse what he'd dreamed of lately. Before he could answer, The Gryphon jumped in: "He dreamt about Laura Bush and chicken, but it was a different dream."

Then The Dormouse volunteered, "Actually, it was the Bush twins."

This must be the dream they direct at the guys.

The line moved fairly quickly, and finally we got up there. Lew was next to John Bowman, who was signing things, too, just not as often. I instantly regretted not buying his album, since I'd enjoyed his act so much on stage.

We were allowed to have one thing each signed, so I had the Lewis Black "White Album" and had it opened up to where he could sign it.

Seeing him in person, I knew I was right about what I'd seen on stage: he's definitely lost some weight the last several years. He's looking much, much healthier.

"Hi, how are you?" I said, unable to control my huge grin.

"Good. What's your name?"

"Alyce with a 'Y'," I said.

"I'm sorry. That's not legitimate," he said, as he started to write it.

I babbled on happily, "Well, it's actually legally with an 'i' but I prefer it with a 'y'."

"Well, it looks good," he said.

"Thank you. You're great," I said as I took the signed CD back.

He moved on to The Gryphon, who has a very common name, which couldn't possibly have a "T" in it. "Let me guess. That's spelled with a 'T," Lew said, as he signed.

The Dormouse stepped up and gave his name, also a very common name. "How is that spelled?" Lew joked.

I volunteered that it had some extra vowels in it. "He's Hawaiian," I said, for the benefit of John Bowman, but he didn't hear it. Someone in line had dropped their CD onto the floor with a loud crash and John was shouting out to them, jokingly, that they'd have to go to the end of the line now.

I was in great spirits as we left. We caught a cab at 69th Street Station and got a ride home. The Gryphon and I watched another couple episodes of Buffy before getting some much-needed sleep, hopefully not to dream about the Bushes.

Copyright 2004 by Alyce Wilson

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