June 3, 2004 - Laundry Olympics

If you're in doubt about that new tie-dyed T-shirt, I suggest washing it by hand and saving yourself the embarrassment of an all-purple wardrobe. Not that anyone would notice in my case.

If the clothes manage to meet the challenge of the washer, it's on to the dryer to face blistering heat. At least, that's the case with my dryer, where there's no such thing as "low heat."

This is when you truly get the measure of your clothes. These sweatpants, for example, which if memory serves, used to go all the way down to my ankles. Thank goodness culottes are in style.

If you have any doubt over whether to throw an article of clothing into the dryer, once more, the best option is to line dry it. Especially if it's made out of denim. This is why you can never find jeans in a secondhand store, because all the jeans that are labeled your size have been thrown in the dryer and are now two sizes smaller.

If in doubt, read the label, and — this is the important part — believe what you read. If the label tells you it needs to be washed gently by hand and dried flat, that's what you need to do. Unless, of course, you're trying to create an entire wool wardrobe for your doll collection.

You may notice I have failed to mention the mysterious and harrowing adventures of socks in the laundry. This is because I've been told there is a solution to the age-old mystery. Evidently, socks are small enough to get sucked up into filters and such inside of dryers. I've been told that if you take a screwdriver and open up the side of your dryer, you will find them all.

I would test this theory except that the last thing I took apart with a screwdriver is still lying around in pieces. And sock devourer or not, I believe a dryer has to be in tact to work.

Once the clothes have once more met the challenge of laundry day, they are treated to closing ceremonies, or in this case folding ceremonies. Or closing drawer ceremonies.

OK, I've officially taken this analogy too far, and I expect to lose a point for execution. Judges?

Moral:
You should see me when I'm completely out of ideas for what to write .