Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts
By Alyce Wilson
February 20, 2004 - Releasing My Inner Simon
As the editor of Wild Violet, I can sympathize with the American Idol judges.
As word gets out about us, the quality of the submissions have gone up. But I still deal with quite a few weak entries.
Usually, you can tell within the first line or two of a poem or the first couple paragraphs of a story. Of course, I'm such a nice person that I usually read the entire thing anyway.
This even when I know the outcome will be a rejection slip.
Now rejections are easy, because I do, of course, have the standard form letter to send. Although on rare occasions, when writers request comments, I try to point out at least one thing they did well and one or two major things they could improve.
The difficult part is writing reviews. I write most of the book reviews for Wild Violet, and I've long had a policy of reviewing any book that was sent to me for review, including those which are independently published. The reason for this is because our slogan is "democratizing the arts," and I believe in making the arts more accessible to the mainstream. This, of course, means supporting independent artists and writers.
So I have many wonderful books and magazines in my apartment, stacked up, taunting me, because I'm always reading something to review for Wild Violet. Most of the time, this isn't such a bad thing. Sometimes it's even enjoyable.
The hardest part is writing the review. Sometimes it's easy, especially if I like the work, to write about 250 words on its strengths and weaknesses. But the weaker works give me pause.
If I were like one of the American Idol judges, I'd be Paula Abdul, the one who always says something nice, even if it's "I like your outfit" or "You have a great spirit."
But my God, I'd far rather be Simon.
Sometimes I finish a book and stare straight ahead, thinking, "What can I possibly say about this? That was so many levels of bad. It's like trying to review Plan 9 from Outer Space or Manos, the Hands of Fate."
Sometimes, even Paula would have trouble finding something nice to say.
This task, of course, is made doubly difficult when I've had personal contact with the authors, many of whom are eager to have their work reviewed, believing it will lead to sales. Far be it from me to crush their dreams, even if I know they're destined for doom.
But since I'm terminably nice when it comes to my actual Wild Violet book reviews, I just have to get this off my chest. For once, I'd like to release my inner Simon and write a collective review for all those works for which the best thing I could say was, "I think the intent was good."
Oh... my... God. You've got to be kidding. Tell me you were kidding. What's your day job? A law clerk? Well, I think you'll make a terrific law clerk.
That was horrendous.
You want comments? Where should I start?
You've got more characters than a Hindu wedding, more exposition than a sixth grade health video, and plot holes I could drive a truck through. I've seen better plots on the side of cereal boxes.
I think you're terribly successful, if your goal is to make people ill.
I've heard better dialogue in daytime soap operas. I've seen better cover art tacked up to refrigerators. The only thing good about this book is the ending, because that's when the pain ends.
I'm surprised you would put your picture on this book. It would be safer to hide in shame.
And your poetry? Do you actually think anybody cares what you vomit into your journal every night? I've seen better poetry on bathroom walls.
As for what you could improve, never pick up a pen again. The world will thank you.
Moral:
Remind me not to ask Simon to review my book.
Copyright
2004 by Alyce Wilson
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