January 14, 2004 - Leonard Maltin is a Big Fat Idiot

Still, it's not "after picture" material yet, so I'll wait to show it off to the world.

One of the tasks I faced was organizing my clutter of CDs, VHS tapes, record albums (yes, vinyl) and books into reasonable order on my new shelving.

I explained to The Gryphon my system for organizing my books. One shelf contains entertainment and spirituality; another shelf contains cook books and poetry; the top shelf contains literature and nonfiction. And then there's a spillover shelf for oversized books and those that didn't fit elsewhere.

My glance fell on Leonard Maltin's 1997 Movie & Video Guide. I told The Gryphon that I'd picked it up for free from the break room at the Penn State Book Store when I was working there during their rush week. They would rip the covers off books they were discarding and leave them in the break room for employees to take.

It was free, I told The Gryphon, but it still wasn't worth it. To prove my point, I asked him to name a random movie.

"Alien," he said.

I paged to the entry and read it aloud: "Commercial spacecraft unwittingly takes on an alien being that wreaks merciless havoc on the crew. Space-age horror film reverts to 1950s formula, but adds stomach-churning violence, slime, and shocks. Still, some people's idea of a good time." He gave it two and a half stars, out of four.

The Gryphon stood there with his mouth open. I mean, Alien may not be Oscar material, but it's certainly more than a formulaic shock-fest.

I chuckled. "See? And that was chosen at random."

Intrigued, The Gryphon paged through the volume to look for other gems of wisdom. He read aloud Leonard Maltin's review of Monty Python and the Holy Grail: "The Python troupe's second feature is wildly uneven, starting out well and then getting lost — in the "story" of a medieval crusade. Some inspired lunacy, and a lot of dry stretches; awfully bloody, too. Recommended for fans only." Again, he gives it two and a half stars.

Now perhaps a Monty Python fan such as myself isn't the proper judge, but I'd hazard to say Maltin's review is a bit... maudling. And while his desire for a traditional "plot" is understandable, it should be clear to most viewers that's not the point. The movie, instead, is essentially a series of sketches based on a theme. Also, if the movie is "for fans only," it's highly ironic that it's the one Monty Python film even non-fans enjoy.

Or how about this review of The Princess Bride: "Revisionist fairy tale/adventure about a beautiful young woman and her one true love, who must find and rescue her after a long separation. Some wonderful scenes and character vignettes are periodically undermined by a tendency toward comic shtick (as in Billy Crystal's cameo appearance) and occasional incoherency (as in the opening scenes with Castilian-tongued Mandy Patinkin and marble-mouthed Andre the Giant). Best of all: the swashbuckling sequences." He gives it two and a half stars.

Humor, I would argue, did not "undermine" the film but was as essential to the storybook feel as the setting and the costumes. And while Andre the Giant is difficult to understand, due to his physical condition, he gets very few lines, none essential to understanding the plot.

Maltin just doesn't get it.

I told The Gryphon that, when I was a reporter for a small-town newspaper, I joked with my fellow reporters that one day I would write a book called Leonard Maltin is a Big Fat Idiot. This met with their approval. It was also before I realized Al Franken had beaten me to the punch and written Rush Limbaugh is a Big Fat Idiot, which I have to admit is a better use of the title.

If you need further proof of Maltin's daftness, I present for your consideration his review of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: "Funny (if typically spotty, sometimes tasteless) saga of the Griswold family's disaster-filled holiday season, with Chevy Chase as the terminally stupid head of the household. Sprinkles some believably poignant moments into its slapstick brew with surprising deftness." He gives it three stars.

Remember, Alien, Monty Python and The Holy Grail and The Princess Bride each got only two and a half stars.

So I suppose the question remains: why do I keep Leonard Maltin's video guide, if he's such an idiot? Good question. I'm not sure my answer makes sense.

On the one hand, it's currently the only off-line movie reference I own, relying as I do primarily on the Internet Movie Database. So, terrible as it is, I'm reluctant to discard it.

Plus, I must admit, there's nothing more entertaining than reading his reviews aloud to other movie buffs or pop culture junkies. I guess it's kind of like a B movie; it's got cheese factor appeal.

And it assures me that if Leonard Maltin can get published, there's hope for me yet.

 

Moral:
Leonard Maltin would give this Musing one and a half stars.