Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

While walking our dog, Una, a couple weeks ago, about a block past the local elementary school, I found a composition book somebody had torn apart. On the front was written a boy's name. Underneath, it read, "Subject: Morning Journal   Grade: 6".

This journal was apparently a teacher's way of getting the students to do some daily free writing. It was probably counted towards the class participation grade, instead of a writing grade, as there were no grading marks inside the booklet.

Once taped the pages back together, I discovered a window into a sixth grader's brain. While he seemed to understand that it was important to play by the rules, and it seemed like he often wrote what he thought the teacher wanted to hear, he was sometimes remarkably candid. A picture emerged of a boy who had troubles at home, who felt unappreciated and lonely, and who had a lot of anger.

There's little wonder why he shredded this book; if any of his family members had read it, they might have given him a hard time. But instead of just dropping it into a trash can, he ripped it apart, as if to eliminate those thoughts from his brain altogether.

The teacher often poses questions to ponder, and the first page begins with a very interesting answer. The question is, "If you could change one thing about your life to make it better what would it be?"

He responds, "I would change my sister so she wouldn't hit me anymore. I would get a way with more stuff that would be better for me."

At the suggestion of The Cheshire Cat, who was concerned about violating the privacy of the child, I've put it through a couple PhotoShop filters to make the writing less identifiable.

When given a free writing assignment a couple weeks later, he mentions his anger issues, writing, "My favorite hoby is workout you get stronger and when you have to relaset anger by hit the punching bag or left a realy heavy wieght. I Like to work out with my dad."

In response to an open-ended question about what sort of stories he likes to read, stories with or without dialogue, he hints at possible difficulties at home, writing, "I like stores without dialouge because the people in the stores are usely arguing when dialouge is used."

He clearly has ambiguous feelings about his father, as evidenced by his response to the assignment, "Think about how it might feel to be lost. Write a poem about those feelings." He writes, "It would feel mad and sad. I'm mad at my dad. / My dad is sad."

There's little doubt that he's not happy with things the way they are and wishes to escape. On more than one occasion, when he's asked to imagine something he'd like to have, he wishes to be able to drive, perhaps jealous of his older brother, who he seems to think has more freedom.

Asked what he would do if he could magically transform himself to any age, and to describe himself at that age, he writes, "I would magically trun to the age of 18. I would be this age because I can drive were ever I want. I think I would look like my brother that is 18."

The boy's view of the world seems colored by his sadness and anger, and it seems like his dreams are therefore limited, his imagination stunted.

Asked to write an essay about the thing he does best and how he became good at it, after a false start, he writes, "The thing I do best is make money. I showel peoples walk in the winter. I cut peoples grass doring summer. I rake up lifes during fall. Thats what I do best." His accidental use of the word "lifes" for "leafs" seems ironic, as if his life has been coopted by menial work, in his desire to free himself and gain independence.

There's certainly no red flags in this journal, no inappropriately violent wording or images. The boy seems to have a healthy understanding of right and wrong, or at least knows what the teacher wants to hear. In his answers, he praises environmentalism, says it's wrong to pick on people and that doing good for others makes you feel good about yourself. He values friendship and laughter, admires Rosa Parks, wants to learn more about other cultures, appreciates the outdoors and loves dogs.

I particularly like his response to an assignment asking him to write a poem about a pyramid in the shape of a pyramid: "Pyraminds / are old some / are filled with / mold. Most disappear / thousandths years ago. / If you find one and go / inside your very bold."

So basically, this a good kid who's facing some personal troubles and doesn't know how to cope with them. He seems to think he can depend on no one but himself, and this depresses and angers him.

Interestingly, a short ways from the journal I found a reading log, where he was keeping track of the books he was reading, earning credit for each 15 minutes of reading time. He seems to favor books about heroes, reading books about both the X-Men and Martin Luther King, along with books about cars, a book about five Chinese brothers and the humorous book, "Lima Beans Should Be Illegal".

I wonder how much of his sadness and anger was evident to the teacher and if it affected his behavior, as well, or whether it was only apparent in the morning journal assignments, where he could write whatever he wanted.

I wonder, too, if I pass this boy on my daily walks. Is he the ultra-serious boy who came to my doorstep a few years ago, selling magazine subscriptions? If he one of the boys who always asks eagerly if he can pet my dog? There's no way to tell.

Hopefully, things will get better for him. Hopefully, someone besides myself will see how sad and troubled he is, and will offer him some help. Hopefully, sometime he'll learn that independence is admirable, but even a hero sometimes needs help.

Copyright 2006 by Alyce Wilson

Musings Index

What do you think? Share your thoughts
at Alyce's message board (left button):