Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

Never trust a free fax machine. There's probably a reason it's free.

The fax machine was given to me by my sister's boyfriend because he got himself a new one.

My first impression of it was that it was mucking huge, but I figured, "I have that dinner table I never really use, so I guess it's okay."

The next warning sign was when he told me it wasn't printing that well, but maybe it was just the printer cartridge that needed replaced. Plus, he said, it sends faxes just fine. And since that's what I really needed it for, I figured it was okay.

Then he told me he didn't have an instruction booklet but that I could look it up at the company web site. Of course, he said, they no longer offered one for this exact model but I could find one for another model in that series. Warning sign number three.

When I got it home, I discovered it had a lot of ridiculous extraneous buttons. It seemed like an awfully complicated process to get it started. But still, there I was, entering the 21st Century with my own personal fax machine.

I tried to send a fax, and it worked. I tried to call my phone, to make sure I'd hooked everything up correctly. That worked. I figured I was set. But I didn't count on the fax machine being possessed.

I first noticed the problem when I came back from walking my dog one day and discovered, on my Caller ID, that a friend had called three times. She was on her way to visit. I called her right back and asked why she hadn't left any messages. She said that, instead of an answering machine, she just got a fax machine.

I thought, "That's strange. It was working before." I tested it, and sure enough the fax machine was picking up instead of the answering machine. I consulted the online manual, found the relevant entry and changed the settings. I figured that, with all my clutter, something had fallen on the button that changed the mode.

When I tested it, the answering machine picked up. I figured my troubles were over. I was wrong.

While talking to a friend on the phone, we were suddenly cut off. Now, I have a wireless phone and am a chronic multi-tasker, so I'm always bustling around the apartment doing things while talking. I thought maybe I'd walked into a dead spot or something.

But when I called my friend back he told me he heard a fax machine making noises and then the line went dead. That was odd, but there had been a lot of line noise and I thought maybe it had interpreted that as a command from another fax machine. I figured it was a one-time circumstance. Wrong again.

The next time it happened, I was talking to my dad. The line was perfectly clear this time, and it dropped me. I heard nothing on my end, but when I called Dad back he claimed he'd heard a fax machine making noises.

Don't ask me why I didn't just immediately disconnect the fax machine. I guess I was hoping that it was going to magically heal itself. This is often my response to technical glitches. If it doesn't happen again, then it's okay!

Well, last night was the last straw. My sister had called me to let me know when her Penn State graduation ceremony is. As it turns out, it's on the exact same date when I was planning on being out of town.

"Oh, no!" I said. And just then, the line went dead.

On a hunch, I looked at the fax machine. Its display said smugly, "Receiving." If it meant receiving my wrath, it was right. I immediately disconnected it.

I called my sister back, but apparently she had interpreted the strange sound as an indication that her cell phone was dying, so she'd plugged her phone into the wall and she was unavailable for the rest of the night.

The fax is now a huge, putty-colored paperweight. I've resolved I will only connect it when I need to send something out, but I'm beginning to wonder if that is a good idea. How do I know the fax machine won't start spewing out strange faxes on the other end? Bizarre characters inserted into the text, perhaps, to convince the person receiving it that I've gone off my nut.

Come to think of it, that's not such a bad thing. I can always include in my cover sheets, "If you see anything weird in what follows, it's the fax machine's fault, not mine."

For now, I think I'll keep it. After all, it was free.

Copyright 2003 by Alyce Wilson

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