Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

When I go into the city with The Gryphon every couple weeks to check my mail for Wild Violet, I get plenty of chance to do some people watching. One of the things I've noticed is that a lot of people who don't dress in a way that's flattering to them. In fact, in some cases it's so severe that I have to stifle a laugh.

So, out of kindness, I'm providing some tips. I have some authority on this subject, since I wore the wrong thing for years. I've become more aware of such things, primarily from watching such shows as A Makeover Story (especially any show with style coach Moses Jones) and What Not to Wear on TLC and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy on Bravo.

Capri pants should not be floods. I've seen far too many people wearing capri pants that are so long they look like pants that are too short, or floods.

Capri pants come in a variety of lengths, but the most flattering tend to be closer to the knee so that it's obvious the shorter length is intentional.

This length tends to be pretty casual, so they're best as beach wear or casual summer wear. It's possible to buy them in patterns and fabrics that resemble work pants, but don't be fooled. Capri pants are never appropriate office attire, unless you work at the beach.

Tall people should never wear Capri pants. It makes them look like they just turned into the Incredible Hulk.

For much the same reason, short people should not wear long skirts, because it makes them look like they're playing dress-up in Mommy's clothes.

Don't mix clashing patterns. I thought this would be obvious, but from my people watching, it is not. I was at the mall the other day and saw a mother wearing a shirt in a loud red print and shorts in a clashing loud turquoise print. What was worse, her son was wearing a similar outfit: a shirt in a loud red pattern and shorts in a clashing loud yellow pattern. Maybe it was laundry day.

You see this sometimes on the runway, but it's a difficult look to pull off. Let's face it, the models don't even look great.

If you mix patterns, do it sparingly, such as a paisley scarf tied around the neck, paired with a black and white houndstooth jacket. But because it's so easy to do this incorrectly, the best advice is do not mix patterns unless you're going to a clown convention.

Do not wear beach attire to work. By this I don't mean the obvious, such as a string bikini. But I saw a woman the other day who was wearing a blue muumuu with garish blue flip-flops adorned with flowers and a matching purse. She may very well have been on her way to a beach vacation, but considering she was walking through Center City with a Starbucks cup in one hand and a briefcase in the other, I believe she was going to work. Perhaps in Drew Carey's office.

Now I sympathize, having been a size 20 only five years ago. It's difficult to find plus-sized clothes that are also colorful and fun. I'd recommend going to a store like Lane Bryant, where the collections are figure flattering as well as fun and fashionable.

To a lesser degree, the plus department at JCPenney's is a good place to shop, as their plus size options are usually similar to whatever's in fashion. These days you don't need to wear a muumuu unless you're a Hawaiian tourist.

Dress for your body type. Most people have a good idea of what their body type is, but they simply don't know how to dress for it. There are good online guides to this, such as at About.com or at Melange, so it's best to do a search and look up your own body type.

I happen to be pear-shaped, or as I prefer to call it, gourd-shaped. I've become more aware of this lately and am making more effort to find a balanced look. For example, I'm starting to avoid shirts that are too short, which only accentuates the imbalance between top and bottom. I've been looking for fitted shirts and jackets which are loose enough at the bottom hem to be flattering. Fitted jackets should only have one or two buttons so that they're open at the top to show off a lacy blouse or necklace and draw the eye upwards.

I've discovered many of my shirts are at lengths that don't do much for me. While I will keep some of the long skirts for colder winter time, I believe I'll be looking for more A-line knee-length shirts. Although I've always liked miniskirts, I've learned that slightly longer skirts are actually much more flattering and even sexy.

And it's important when trying on pants and shorts to take a look in the mirror at the back to see if they're flattering. Often they look great from the front and not so great from the back.

Finding clothes that fit is very important. I see far too many sausaged into clothes they should not be wearing. I'm talking about someone who's out of shape, squeezed into a tight top, with an inch or two of flabby belly oozing over too-tight pants. Sure, you'll draw eyes this way but not in the way you intend.

I see this more among overweight teenagers, and again, I sympathize. It's easy to believe that the only way to fit in is to try to wear what's popular. But I learned the hard way that it's better to look for clothes that fit your properly.

I've noticed a trend among some men of wearing clothes that are far too big. Again, maybe they're influenced by the youth styles, as kids wear their clothes super big. Or maybe they bought the suit off a rack somewhere and didn't have it fitted. Suits should only be too big if you're going for the Zoot Suit look.

Generally speaking, The Gryphon doesn't like it when I criticize strangers' attire, but this week he had to agree with me on one person. Heavy set and short, this person had wild flyaway hair and was wearing a dress that was tighter and more revealing than we'd like to have seen.

"Was that a woman?" he asked.

"It was a Bette Midler impersonator."

"But was it a woman?"

"I just told you; it's a Bette Midler impersonator. Therefore, it's a guy."

The Bette Midler impersonator was prey to the same problem I saw throughout the city in the last couple weeks: flyaway curly hair. I sympathize here, too, since I have the sort of hair that, if it's not kept under control, will completely take over my head.

If you do have this kind of hair, be happy. It's thick and wavy and you can do a lot with it. But try for a cut that takes some of the body out of it and controls it. Unless you want to look like Hermione Granger.

Some day, just for fun, I'll dig out some more old pictures of myself wearing things and sporting looks that are unflattering. But anyone who's met me knows I know what I'm talking about.

It's not hard to find clothes that work, but you might need to be persistent. If you don't have a lot of money and are shopping at places in your price range, such as thrift shops and discount department stores, don't expect to find an entire wardrobe every time you shop. But if you're persistent you can find things that work well on you. Take my advice: do what I did and enact your own fashion intervention before you find yourself on one of my favorite shows.

Copyright 2005 by Alyce Wilson

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