Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts

By Alyce Wilson

Jan. 23, 2003: My Dog, My Roommate

One of the best roommates you could ever possibly have is a dog. Provided, of course, they learn where to pee.

My dog doesn't have a problem with this. She was actually pretty easy to train, as soon as she figured out she'd get yelled at for peeing inside but receive treats for peeing outside.

Of course, she wasn't always so well house-trained. The first time I left her alone, she showed her displeasure by shredding everything in reach — including a demo tape by a band that no longer existed — and pooping on the bed.

She soon learned this was not an appropriate response. Life with Una became easier, especially on my sheets.

Now, she has her quirks, like any roommate does. When she thinks I'm sleeping in too long, she wakes me by licking my face. She leaves her toys all over the floor. She also has the annoying habit of barking whenever I put my shoes on, under the impression I'm about to go somewhere and take her with me. It's no use telling her dogs aren't allowed in movie theaters.

Among her positive traits are her sunny attitude. Una doesn't let things get her down for long, and she gets my spirits up, too. When she sees me crying, she comforts me by licking my face. Then again, maybe my tears are salty.

Una's positive qualities can also be her negative ones: for example, her affectionate nature. It's hard to convince her that many people don't enjoy being pinned down and having their faces licked, or being greeted with an exuberant jump to the groinal region.

It's also difficult, sometimes, to work with a dog staring at me intensely, making "harumph" noises because I won't play with her. Editors tend to frown on the excuse, "I couldn't make deadline; my dog was staring at me."

But as roommates go, she's easy to live with. She doesn't care how late I stay up or how often I do the dishes. Overall, she's one of the best roommates I've ever had.

Except for one thing: She welches on bills.

On my brother's suggestion, I started keeping tab of what she owes me. I figure, if you add up her portion of the rent and utilities, plus food, toys, medical care, weekend boarding, dog accessories, she owes me about 10 grand so far.

But she should get some credit for contributing to my mental health by being a readily available confidant and companion. For this, I'm willing to deduct at least a couple thousand.

I've always loved the old "Saturday Night Live" sketch where Father Guido Sarducci announces to the dogs of America, "The free ride is over."

When I said this to Una, she cocked her head to the side, grabbed her teddy-bear and shoved it towards me.

"I'll accept this as collateral," I told her.

Moral:
If your human roommate poops on the bed, seek help immediately.

Copyright 2003 by Alyce Wilson

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