Musings
an Online Journal of Sorts
By Alyce Wilson
Today is my birthday, and technically I'm turning 33. But it hardly feels like it, because earlier this year I forgot how old I was and I was telling everyone that I was 33. So it feels like I got a free pass.
There are far worse things than turning 33: for example, turning 30. That birthday was no fun. I got so stressed it wasn't even funny.
I went through a lot of soul searching at the time, along the lines of "Why haven't I accomplished yet all the things I thought I'd accomplish by now?" Three years later, I still haven't accomplished many of those things, but I've discovered it's not as important as I'd thought. Or at least, that's what I tell myself so I can sleep at night.
Yesterday, I went out to dinner with some friends, the impromptu party having been arranged by The Gryphon, whom I've been dating since the week after Otakon. It was unbelievably nice to have somebody else arrange my birthday celebration for me; the last two times I had a birthday party, I did it myself. It's fun to throw yourself a party, but it's really nice when somebody else does it for you.
We ate at an Italian restaurant near me, had a bottle of wine called Anime Merlot, which seemed appropriate since we all work together each year at Otakon, the biggest Japanese anime convention in North America (maybe the world).
From my perspective, at the head of the table, everyone was having a great time, joking around and enjoying themselves. I was loving it.
The Gryphon had also surprised me by taking me shopping for new clothes after discovering that most of my fall clothes from last year are now woefully large on me. I'm going to be giving away several more bags of clothing. So we went shopping and I tried things on and modeled them for him. It was a really sweet gesture and one of the most thoughtful birthday presents I've received, especially from a guy.
My dog, Una, has been having issues lately with the fact that somebody else is taking up my attention. When we got back from dinner last night, she ran into the bedroom and, with me watching, peed on my bed. The psychology behind this gesture was so clear that it was pathetic. Even though I understood the emotions going through her brain, I had to punish her.
So Una had to sit in her pen while The Gryphon and I looked through some old photos of mine, which I'd remembered were in a box in the basement. I saw the box when I went downstairs to throw my sheets in the wash. This is all, I suppose, somewhat synergistic.
It was strange trying to place myself in these old photographs. I could see myself and remember who I was at the time, but so many things had changed, including my self-perception. For example, we looked at pictures of me from five years ago when I was dating The Loser. In those pictures, not only was I more than 50 pounds heavier but I looked world weary, The Gryphon said, beaten down. I had to agree with him, I looked defeated. I also looked several years older than I do even now.
At 33, I feel as if I've experienced a rebirth of creative energy, a reawakening of self-confidence. I feel again as if the world is my oyster. And those oysters are no longer running back to the sea.
Possibilities abound. I have to credit my counselor, as well as Margaret Cho, my dog Una, and more recently The Gryphon.
But
the best part about turning 33 is that I finally understand who gets the
real credit for all the good things that happen to me. And I'm looking
in the mirror at her, right now.
More birthday thoughts:
September 8, 2005 - Another Number
September 9, 2004 - Happy Birthday to Me
Moral:
The past is a school, not a prison.
Copyright
2003 by Alyce Wilson
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